Jerk Friend of Mine!!

I am mad now, but mad is not an exact word to describe my feeling now. Frustrated? Sad? Feel like being betrayed? I don't know, I guess it's a combination of all gloomy feelings.

I don't have anyone to tell. So I am holding inside these feelings alone. Suffocated? Very much, indeed. It's been 9 days now since the unplanned event! When it all started to these gloomy feelings.

The day started with happy event, followed by hot & not so happy discussion. One thing for sure, I am at fault also for using word 'TUDUH'. But when one is very much in hot topic and not parallel with others mind, the word can appear without you even realize it. Accidentally? Yes.. and without control. I even apologised to that person. Why because, I am at fault also, remember.

Now, the things that I cannot digest and make my days gloomy is the words used by a person that I believe among few people that I've trust and I've love as a dear friend. I really wanted to let go what's kept in my heart right now!

1) Why are you doing this to me?

2) Why are you using hurtful words to me?

3) Why are you provoking me with sensitive matters?

4) Do you not think, things like not being marriage at 30s or no boyfriend at this age can become sensitive when you say it loud in front of people that one is closed by but secrets are not meant to be shared with?

5) Plus in front of the person that I've just apology with? Like what not less than 5 minutes?

6) Apart of all you sound like you don't trust my judgement.. Judgement & decision that make me being a snob? That's what people said to you?

7) Me got promoted & very lucky! Not like everybody else? Do you have any idea how hard to fit in the new position? And they're few times, no most of all time I will be making a decision that is not used in my hand before? Don't you see that will make me 'different'?

8) 'Different'?? In what way? Me still being me, a friend. But when giving an opinion related to work & decision matter, it will be different. Do you have any idea it all base on requirement, procedures & work ethic? And of course there is a time when toleration will be taken into account? But up until what level??

9) Am I being strict??? I am flexible but not all time. It's depend!
Now I am referring to toleration.. up to what level? All the time??

10) And the 2nd best part is..you as act. EO when the real one is not around? Then you should know how hard it is when one's in a new 'shoes'. But you don't. After all you don't have to take action on things like compliance, requirement, port users..am I right?

11) And guess what's the best part? Do you know well our friends that talked behind my back? Yes or No? I guess they must be our close friends oso..right? But do they really know & understand my job well? Ohh how about know me well??? I guess not. TQVM

Whatever it is, I feel better now..tq for being such a jerk friend. For now, yes you are a jerk friend. I will take off the jerk when I am ready!

D.E.S.T.I.N.Y vs. P.R.I.D.E vs. D.R.E.A.M

What if someone you love says that he is sharing his D.E.S.T.I.N.Y with someone else and you are out from the picture? Even after you get rejected, you still have a feeling that he is the right person for you, that he is your D.E.S.T.I.N.Y. Then you start with hundred plans to win him! Then comes P.R.I.D.E asking you if he's still with you or not? He tells you to stop dancing in your D.R.E.A.M, that you’re not D.E.S.T.I.N.E.D to be with the one you love because it is so obvious he doesn’t want you. Hello, allow me to do the refreshment, you got rejected before right?

What will you do? Will you go pursuing your D.E.S.T.I.N.Y even P.R.I.D.E tells you it’s only a D.R.E.A.M. But, I have this very simple song, from Get over it and I think the lyric is very catchy:-

Let me sleep

For when I sleep I dream that you're here

You're mine and all my fears are left behind

I flew on air and nightingale sings a gentle lullaby

So let me close my eyes

And sleep a chance to dream

So I can see the face I long to touch, to kiss

My only dreams can bring me this

So let the moon shine softly on the boy I long to see

And maybe when he dreams he'll dream of me

And high beneath the clouds

I'd whisper to the evening stars

Tell me love; he's just a dream away, dream away

A dream away

So let the moon shine softly on the boy I long to see

And maybe when he dreams, he'll dream of me

oh..dream of me

Now you get something right.-; p

As for D.E.S.T.I.N.Y, it is to see something in hindsight; even it is only a D.R.E.A.M it surely can be real. This only happens if you love him with all your heart and keep on trying no matter how many times you get rejected. And if the fruits of your efforts bind you together, then that is also called D.E.S.T.I.N.Y. In other word D.E.S.T.I.N.Y is something you have to carve out for yourself. It all depends on you. Anything is possible; moreover D.E.S.T.I.N.Y is something you yourself have to pry open. Hence, if you ever feel like giving up then your-so-call D.E.S.T.I.N.Y will slip away.

Where is P.R.I.D.E then? Gone with the wind already? Or get lost in deep D.R.E.A.M? I would say NOW, that P.R.I.D.E is the drives that move you to pursue D.E.S.T.I.N.Y. How about D.R.E.A.M? He’s the one who gives hope to P.R.I.D.E not to stop pursuing D.E.S.T.I.N.Y

Where this idea does comes from? It’s just popped out from my head after watching Hana Yori Dango Season II few days ago (after waiting for a very long time). And last weekend, I accidentally watched Kdrama-Wedding @ 303! The similarity of both dramas is they have D.R.E.A.M to be with their loved one, P.R.I.D.E to pursue D.E.S.T.I.N.Y (that’s why they never give up) and in the end, they are D.E.S.T.I.N.E.D to be together. What a very happy ending! I love happy ending.

Father and Son

Father and son holding hand at park. Do you ever witness such beautiful view? I almost cried when I saw the son took his father hand into his and as they walked together, they're holding their hands and talked. Ahhh yes, smile! With big smiles on both faces! I saw this last saturday, 14th February 2009 at jogging park, Likas.

I saw 75 and above old man sitting on the couch watching group of old chinese folks doing their tai chi (mind my spelling). Well it's a normal view at the park, so I said ok. Look like this old man was tired and resting. So I ignored him, but still in my heart, he looked so cute. Plump almost bald with big glasses and wore white singlet. A very normal old chinese man.

2nd round of my marathon, he's still there. But on the 3rd, the old man was gone. But the tai chi group was still doing their routine. Erm..maybe he went home already as it's 0800 am! Time for me to end my jog at the massage rock!

I went to the massage rock and was so suprised to see the old man was there. And again watching people around him. I wondered what's his next plan, I watched him as I walked on the massage rock! He's really sweat, smilling to everyone, and I couldn't help not to smile back at him and of course because it's really tickled my heart to see him with big smile on his face!

Then, his son came, said something to him. Made him laughed and took the old man hand into his. Helped him to stand up and walked together hand to hand! I was speechless, I almost cried!I can't believe I saw such view!

14th February 2009 meant so much to me. It taught me something. I saw unconditionally love between son and father. I know, I miss such oppurtunity with my old man, but my love to him will never die. I will always pray for him, rest in peace bapa'. ~Amin~

2nd Day: Retro of us Living at Sandakan

The next day, at 0630 a.m, the pilot with the co-pilot together with our 5 years old nephew went out for breakfast at Sandakan Town. All the way to the town, as the pilot drove slowly we took a view of Batu Sapi. This was the place where we used to live. Flat Guru S.M.K Batu Sapi was once located at the edge of the hill is gone. Even the hill is nowhere to be seen! It was demolished by the government as it was too old and not safe to be lived. During our time living there, it was obvious that the flat was old enough. Crack can be seen everywhere. The earth quake in Philippine in 1991 helped a lot in contributing the crack.

Memories of us lived there flashed clearly! I saw myself, my sisters & cousin: Unggak Pende and Gidik helped my late father at his kebun. My late father was a great part time farmer. His hands were good with plants. Marked my word when I say: The Kebun can be nominated as no. 1 Kebun! And if there’s competition, sure the Kebun can win. I really want to let you guys know what we planted at our kebun: Jagung, bayam, tembikai, kepayas, ubi kayu, lada, kacang panjang!

We had ayams as pet! We even had reban ayam! It was built by my late father. Guess where we managed to get wood for the reban. From the Kilang Kayu at batu Sapi and the kilang’s still there! I once followed my late father there, looking for kayu for his reban and pagar for his kebun. His blue PICKUP TOYOTA really help a lot!!Our friends: anak-anak cikgu of course. If I can remember well sure I write down, but my brain is not in the mood to dig deeper now. Better put it this way, my friends were great! We really had good time together especially with ‘football stars’ of Hj. Syamsuri! We learnt agama and al-Quran with him.

Most of the children went to learn al-Quran with Ustaz Hj. Syamsuri. He’s good man. Before he released us to go home, he taught how to do prayer. His son, Bakhtiar will be the imam, as he watched us praying. Not only watch but taught us what to read on every action we took. There’re many funny and embarrassing moment happened, but worth to be remembered. We modified lampin as tudong and my cousin show his talent in playing curi ayam, 21, cangkul (lol) and caught by the ustaz. My brother, Syamsuri farted while mengaji. Kids…..

Before landing for breakfast my brother drove us to our once upon a time: schools. My sister and I went to SRK St Mary’s Convent. Even my mother was once a teacher here. In 1992 we celebrated its 100th year. Now, the buildings are abandoned, the school has new building. However, the old 2 storey buildings are still there. We even went to SM St. Michael Sandakan. This was my 2nd and 3rd brother’s school. Like St. Mary’s Convent, this school also one of the oldest school at Sandakan. Even St. Michael Church looks old and classic.

We had breakfast at Kedai Mamak. All of us ate roti canai, what can be ordered at Kedai Mamak for breakfast except for roti canai. My nephew really enjoyed his roti canai and milo. Actually he wanted teh susu, but not good for kid age 5.

After breakfast we drove back to Sibuga through Sim Sim. My late father was a headmaster at SK Sri Tanjung Papat @ SK Berhala Darat. Pende and Gidik went to this school. He was great Headmaster; the waiting area was built during his serving time as headmaster. According to my brother, during his time at SK Likas, he was one of the teachers who introduced safety walkway to students. If you see ‘Pakcik Trafik’ at SK Likas, it was the safety walkway initiated by his batch.

There’re so many changes that we noticed. However the sampah’s still there. Seem littering has becomes hobby to Sandakan citizen. Hmm actually it happens to be SABAHAN HOBBY.

Make it short; by 0945 we arrived safely at Sibuga. My mother and Jebat already siap, seem they really can’t wait balik Ranau.

Feel sleepy. Better stop now, later I’ll continue again. Trip Balik Ranau.