Jerk Friend of Mine!!

I am mad now, but mad is not an exact word to describe my feeling now. Frustrated? Sad? Feel like being betrayed? I don't know, I guess it's a combination of all gloomy feelings.

I don't have anyone to tell. So I am holding inside these feelings alone. Suffocated? Very much, indeed. It's been 9 days now since the unplanned event! When it all started to these gloomy feelings.

The day started with happy event, followed by hot & not so happy discussion. One thing for sure, I am at fault also for using word 'TUDUH'. But when one is very much in hot topic and not parallel with others mind, the word can appear without you even realize it. Accidentally? Yes.. and without control. I even apologised to that person. Why because, I am at fault also, remember.

Now, the things that I cannot digest and make my days gloomy is the words used by a person that I believe among few people that I've trust and I've love as a dear friend. I really wanted to let go what's kept in my heart right now!

1) Why are you doing this to me?

2) Why are you using hurtful words to me?

3) Why are you provoking me with sensitive matters?

4) Do you not think, things like not being marriage at 30s or no boyfriend at this age can become sensitive when you say it loud in front of people that one is closed by but secrets are not meant to be shared with?

5) Plus in front of the person that I've just apology with? Like what not less than 5 minutes?

6) Apart of all you sound like you don't trust my judgement.. Judgement & decision that make me being a snob? That's what people said to you?

7) Me got promoted & very lucky! Not like everybody else? Do you have any idea how hard to fit in the new position? And they're few times, no most of all time I will be making a decision that is not used in my hand before? Don't you see that will make me 'different'?

8) 'Different'?? In what way? Me still being me, a friend. But when giving an opinion related to work & decision matter, it will be different. Do you have any idea it all base on requirement, procedures & work ethic? And of course there is a time when toleration will be taken into account? But up until what level??

9) Am I being strict??? I am flexible but not all time. It's depend!
Now I am referring to toleration.. up to what level? All the time??

10) And the 2nd best part is..you as act. EO when the real one is not around? Then you should know how hard it is when one's in a new 'shoes'. But you don't. After all you don't have to take action on things like compliance, requirement, port users..am I right?

11) And guess what's the best part? Do you know well our friends that talked behind my back? Yes or No? I guess they must be our close friends oso..right? But do they really know & understand my job well? Ohh how about know me well??? I guess not. TQVM

Whatever it is, I feel better now..tq for being such a jerk friend. For now, yes you are a jerk friend. I will take off the jerk when I am ready!

D.E.S.T.I.N.Y vs. P.R.I.D.E vs. D.R.E.A.M

What if someone you love says that he is sharing his D.E.S.T.I.N.Y with someone else and you are out from the picture? Even after you get rejected, you still have a feeling that he is the right person for you, that he is your D.E.S.T.I.N.Y. Then you start with hundred plans to win him! Then comes P.R.I.D.E asking you if he's still with you or not? He tells you to stop dancing in your D.R.E.A.M, that you’re not D.E.S.T.I.N.E.D to be with the one you love because it is so obvious he doesn’t want you. Hello, allow me to do the refreshment, you got rejected before right?

What will you do? Will you go pursuing your D.E.S.T.I.N.Y even P.R.I.D.E tells you it’s only a D.R.E.A.M. But, I have this very simple song, from Get over it and I think the lyric is very catchy:-

Let me sleep

For when I sleep I dream that you're here

You're mine and all my fears are left behind

I flew on air and nightingale sings a gentle lullaby

So let me close my eyes

And sleep a chance to dream

So I can see the face I long to touch, to kiss

My only dreams can bring me this

So let the moon shine softly on the boy I long to see

And maybe when he dreams he'll dream of me

And high beneath the clouds

I'd whisper to the evening stars

Tell me love; he's just a dream away, dream away

A dream away

So let the moon shine softly on the boy I long to see

And maybe when he dreams, he'll dream of me

oh..dream of me

Now you get something right.-; p

As for D.E.S.T.I.N.Y, it is to see something in hindsight; even it is only a D.R.E.A.M it surely can be real. This only happens if you love him with all your heart and keep on trying no matter how many times you get rejected. And if the fruits of your efforts bind you together, then that is also called D.E.S.T.I.N.Y. In other word D.E.S.T.I.N.Y is something you have to carve out for yourself. It all depends on you. Anything is possible; moreover D.E.S.T.I.N.Y is something you yourself have to pry open. Hence, if you ever feel like giving up then your-so-call D.E.S.T.I.N.Y will slip away.

Where is P.R.I.D.E then? Gone with the wind already? Or get lost in deep D.R.E.A.M? I would say NOW, that P.R.I.D.E is the drives that move you to pursue D.E.S.T.I.N.Y. How about D.R.E.A.M? He’s the one who gives hope to P.R.I.D.E not to stop pursuing D.E.S.T.I.N.Y

Where this idea does comes from? It’s just popped out from my head after watching Hana Yori Dango Season II few days ago (after waiting for a very long time). And last weekend, I accidentally watched Kdrama-Wedding @ 303! The similarity of both dramas is they have D.R.E.A.M to be with their loved one, P.R.I.D.E to pursue D.E.S.T.I.N.Y (that’s why they never give up) and in the end, they are D.E.S.T.I.N.E.D to be together. What a very happy ending! I love happy ending.

Father and Son

Father and son holding hand at park. Do you ever witness such beautiful view? I almost cried when I saw the son took his father hand into his and as they walked together, they're holding their hands and talked. Ahhh yes, smile! With big smiles on both faces! I saw this last saturday, 14th February 2009 at jogging park, Likas.

I saw 75 and above old man sitting on the couch watching group of old chinese folks doing their tai chi (mind my spelling). Well it's a normal view at the park, so I said ok. Look like this old man was tired and resting. So I ignored him, but still in my heart, he looked so cute. Plump almost bald with big glasses and wore white singlet. A very normal old chinese man.

2nd round of my marathon, he's still there. But on the 3rd, the old man was gone. But the tai chi group was still doing their routine. Erm..maybe he went home already as it's 0800 am! Time for me to end my jog at the massage rock!

I went to the massage rock and was so suprised to see the old man was there. And again watching people around him. I wondered what's his next plan, I watched him as I walked on the massage rock! He's really sweat, smilling to everyone, and I couldn't help not to smile back at him and of course because it's really tickled my heart to see him with big smile on his face!

Then, his son came, said something to him. Made him laughed and took the old man hand into his. Helped him to stand up and walked together hand to hand! I was speechless, I almost cried!I can't believe I saw such view!

14th February 2009 meant so much to me. It taught me something. I saw unconditionally love between son and father. I know, I miss such oppurtunity with my old man, but my love to him will never die. I will always pray for him, rest in peace bapa'. ~Amin~

2nd Day: Retro of us Living at Sandakan

The next day, at 0630 a.m, the pilot with the co-pilot together with our 5 years old nephew went out for breakfast at Sandakan Town. All the way to the town, as the pilot drove slowly we took a view of Batu Sapi. This was the place where we used to live. Flat Guru S.M.K Batu Sapi was once located at the edge of the hill is gone. Even the hill is nowhere to be seen! It was demolished by the government as it was too old and not safe to be lived. During our time living there, it was obvious that the flat was old enough. Crack can be seen everywhere. The earth quake in Philippine in 1991 helped a lot in contributing the crack.

Memories of us lived there flashed clearly! I saw myself, my sisters & cousin: Unggak Pende and Gidik helped my late father at his kebun. My late father was a great part time farmer. His hands were good with plants. Marked my word when I say: The Kebun can be nominated as no. 1 Kebun! And if there’s competition, sure the Kebun can win. I really want to let you guys know what we planted at our kebun: Jagung, bayam, tembikai, kepayas, ubi kayu, lada, kacang panjang!

We had ayams as pet! We even had reban ayam! It was built by my late father. Guess where we managed to get wood for the reban. From the Kilang Kayu at batu Sapi and the kilang’s still there! I once followed my late father there, looking for kayu for his reban and pagar for his kebun. His blue PICKUP TOYOTA really help a lot!!Our friends: anak-anak cikgu of course. If I can remember well sure I write down, but my brain is not in the mood to dig deeper now. Better put it this way, my friends were great! We really had good time together especially with ‘football stars’ of Hj. Syamsuri! We learnt agama and al-Quran with him.

Most of the children went to learn al-Quran with Ustaz Hj. Syamsuri. He’s good man. Before he released us to go home, he taught how to do prayer. His son, Bakhtiar will be the imam, as he watched us praying. Not only watch but taught us what to read on every action we took. There’re many funny and embarrassing moment happened, but worth to be remembered. We modified lampin as tudong and my cousin show his talent in playing curi ayam, 21, cangkul (lol) and caught by the ustaz. My brother, Syamsuri farted while mengaji. Kids…..

Before landing for breakfast my brother drove us to our once upon a time: schools. My sister and I went to SRK St Mary’s Convent. Even my mother was once a teacher here. In 1992 we celebrated its 100th year. Now, the buildings are abandoned, the school has new building. However, the old 2 storey buildings are still there. We even went to SM St. Michael Sandakan. This was my 2nd and 3rd brother’s school. Like St. Mary’s Convent, this school also one of the oldest school at Sandakan. Even St. Michael Church looks old and classic.

We had breakfast at Kedai Mamak. All of us ate roti canai, what can be ordered at Kedai Mamak for breakfast except for roti canai. My nephew really enjoyed his roti canai and milo. Actually he wanted teh susu, but not good for kid age 5.

After breakfast we drove back to Sibuga through Sim Sim. My late father was a headmaster at SK Sri Tanjung Papat @ SK Berhala Darat. Pende and Gidik went to this school. He was great Headmaster; the waiting area was built during his serving time as headmaster. According to my brother, during his time at SK Likas, he was one of the teachers who introduced safety walkway to students. If you see ‘Pakcik Trafik’ at SK Likas, it was the safety walkway initiated by his batch.

There’re so many changes that we noticed. However the sampah’s still there. Seem littering has becomes hobby to Sandakan citizen. Hmm actually it happens to be SABAHAN HOBBY.

Make it short; by 0945 we arrived safely at Sibuga. My mother and Jebat already siap, seem they really can’t wait balik Ranau.

Feel sleepy. Better stop now, later I’ll continue again. Trip Balik Ranau.

Sandakan Trip: 1

This is what I managed to write during my CNY holidays at Ranau.

I was on trip with my family to Sandakan 2 days ago and came back home yesterday. I was excited since it’s been a very long time since I had trip like this. I’ve been to Sandakan before, many times after my family moved out from Sandakan more than 15 years ago, but they were official visits, on company name.

While sitting as a co pilot to my 3rd brother (He’s the driver), I can feel the pilot was so excited, maybe it was his first trip to Sandakan after so many years, that’s why he was carried away with emotion. Or else he was nervous that we might lost once we arrive, since we were told that there’re new roads built up by the government and new places has been opened for development. Even the place where my 2nd brother lives with his family is a new developed town.

My mother, my sister, Bugi and brother, Jebat sat at the back. Before we drove off to Sandakan, I even had a fight with Bugi since she wanted to be the co-pilot, and she even used her size to claim the territory, but of course I won.

Bugi at her attempt to take over co-pilot place

The journey to Sandakan cannot be described by word, every single spot was beautiful. Even though I brought a camera with me, I just cannot capture the scene. Don’t blame me, but the camera. At the same time it brought great value to me, this was the road that we used long time ago, but then again the pilot was my late father and the co-pilot was my mother. We were very young during that time; the present pilot was just 17. And for me I was less than 11 years old. Jebat was not even existed 1990- Early August 1992.

There was a place on the way to Sandakan (actually my late father’s kebun) when I was a kid I had this feeling afraid to be left off there. Yeah it’s sound stupid, but my brothers loved to put in my mind that I was adopted by my parents. Even my late father always joined the club! They even created non existing person as my biological father. This never-existed person name was Ng Si Tong. When I think about this back, it never really gives me bad feeling but it something to laugh out loud with my family. And I miss it very much! Well, I miss my father also, very much. I’m not in the position to write about him right now. I may not able to control my feeling. ~Sorry~

The co-pilot also spotted S.K Paginatan, they lived here long time ago. 1st – 4th of my siblings was raised up there. My parents were teachers. I heard many great story hundred times about their living here at Paginatan told by my late grandmother and my aunty Imi. One of the never ending story: The drowning episode of my 2nd brother. He almost drowned at Sungai Kinabatangan, just down the so call house where my family used to live. The super hero was my Aunty Imi.

Ustaz Saad and family was their neighbor during that time, 1970s I guess. I like this family since I know them since I was little girl. He always told us stuffs that happened during the 1970s and the trade mark is “ooo korang belum ada lagi masa tuh” and “mana itu ragum, mau cabut gigi”. For info, my teeth were not in the right place, it was long time ago, now ok already.

We arrived at Telupid after 1.30 hrs driving from Ranau. Telupid has changed a lot. There’re concrete buildings everyway, taking over the wood long shops that once were there. The cowboy town’s gone already. My 3rd brother noticed that the small airport is no longer available, the correct word to put here is not existed already, and even the landing field is gone. My 3rd brother told me, the road that we’re using now is the old airport. Some of the airport area has been adopted as a Tamu. I know since we were late for the Tamu. By the time we arrived there, they’re closing. Since the journey tired us up, we decided to take off. We stopped at Telupid for coffee and lunch at Restoran Anisah.

The price's very reasonable, I only paid RM16.90 for our lunches.

Jokes were at the right place and time that day. Sandakan’s trip was fun. After 382 KM driving we arrived at Sandakan. By 700 pm we were at Sibuga, my 2nd brother’s house. My nephews and niece were waiting already…...The next day-> retro of us living at Sandakan. Have to stop now, will continue later if I have time.

SMILLING CAT AT GAYA STREET TAMU

Smilling cat at Pasar Gaya

I took this photo last week at my favorite spot of Pasar Gaya. I called it Pet Corner, since pets like puppies, kittens, rabbits, fishes are sold here. I have few photos of this Persian Cat but this is my favorite. Cute, right? I wish I can hold him.

Do we really grow up??

1990s..era where my teen was just started. I only had one single dream and I prayed for it to be answered by God. And it was answered, it really made me the happiest girl in the world.

1996: 3 Khawarizmi

I really thank you to Asyraf for posting this picture at his facebook. I have the chance to look back those time when I was ambitious with life, with high spirit to face my fear, when I was energetic to fullfil my dreams (Thousand dreams generated by my single dream that I had faith in) when I believed I can do anything... I miss the young me.

And I miss every faces in this picture. These are the people who taught me how to laugh hard, how to fight back when I was down, how to study hard and smart, how to be naughty at class, how to bully, to forgive. They taught me how to grow up. And to have faith in myself.

This picture, it really hit me and make me realized something:-

(1) I was young in 90s but I grew up pretty fast

(2) I'm becoming older, even will be 27 in the time being, yet I am not growing up

(3) Motivation is the root to success

(4) You can't choose not to be old but always have the opportunity to grow up, it's in your hand

(5) You can choose to be lazy and day dreaming with no hope for the future the whole year, yet you still aging the next year, and be less productive or

(6) You can choose to do something with yourself, grab any opportunity for the benefit of your future with no regret and be old, yet still happy cause you know you are growing up,

Congratulation for creatIng a blog for myself!!

Well, first of all I wanted to thank you to those who keep forwarding me blogs to be read. The result: I have my own Blog!!

I guess by having a blog, i can express my thought on what happen around us: Wars/ Global Warming/ Politic In Malaysia/ Corruption/ Love @ REAL LOVE STORY ok! We name it ROMANCE/ FamIly and the list goes on.Ahah!!

Not to forget my life story, I'll try make it sound interesting!I really HOPE it can give IMPACT to the readers!Just name it Joy, Happy, Sad, Moody, Motivation, Ideas, Enjoyment, Smile on The Face .

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INTRODUCTION OF MYSELF:

Let me do some introduction of myself. Name is AZRINAH but most of my friends call me BIDING. Actually it's my nick at home, but it was spreaded by Baizurah in 1995. So BIDING became famous instead of AZRINAH. Sometimes I wondered either my friends still remember AZRINAH. Any comment??

I will be 27 early this november and stIll sIngle at the time being lah -;p and I am lookIng with my small round eyes for eligible bachelor!! In my head rite now: Do PC @ PRINCE CHARMING is still out there cause I always heard that (1) Good guy is no longer available (2) if there is one, he is taken/ married or (3) He is gay!!> Or it's just a JOKE ahah

My interest? With the oil price hike make me 'mengelupur', I shifted my interest to MONEY followed by dr SMS!

CAREER: I work with one of VERY FAMOUS GLC in KK..kunuk2 jak nih. Am I happy with the job?Not that sure, & please don't make conclusion that I am not good with my job, ask my colleague, you will surprise the answer will be "She's smart girl and completed her task well!!", only that I am not sure either it contributes something to the society. My second job - I am a tutor after office hour and it makes me happy since part of me has contribute something to the youngster!!-;p

What I want in my life?? (1) A family of my own, (2) Contribution to the society (3) Great Job (4) Going to numbers of places ...Long time ago No (4) is my priority, followed by (3), (2), (1). Well I think this has something to do with my age + experience, I have changed into someone else, with more personality & character! of course the old me still inside only that I am polished to be SOMEBODY!

Oppss..enough with the introduction cause TERLEBIH SUDA --> stacy's tagline. Anyway, Wish me GOOD LUCK with my blog. Hope there will be more interesting to be SHARED! Let's GAMBATTE together!

~~at~~